two things i can't take back

molly mounds at the hustler club...

there were seven of us in new orleans for a bachelor party trying to get the bachelor drunk enough to pass out so we could shave one of his eyebrows. after a day of jager shots at razoos, we showered up and headed to the hustler club. we all chipped in and bought the bachelor, let's call him bob, a lapdance under the stipulation that he had to receive it while he sat in a chair that we had pulled into the middle of our circle. as we watched this girl dry-humping bob, another buxom young lady sauntered up and sat in the empty seat between me and my friend louis, which had been occupied by bob before he went to do his bachelor-duties. it soon became apparent that louis and i thought she was as beautiful as she thought we were stupid...
louis (smiling): "so, you a college student?"
molly: "yes, at lsu."
me: "you commute to work an hour and a half each day?"
molly (already defensive): "i make more money in a week than you make in a month."
louis (smiling): "what's your major?"
molly: "petroleum engineering."
me:"just because you know more uses for k-y jelly than we do does not make you a petroleum engineer."


tara tahtahs two minutes later...

somehow louis and i avoided expulsion from the gentleman's club because molly got called on stage the second after she yelled at the bouncer (who was a dead ringer for a black version of the incredible hulk) and he could not hear her complaints about us over "pour some sugar on me." her problem. she should have picked beethoven. louis shared my comment about molly's love for oil based lubricants with the other guys--this was overheard by the dancer who had been "purchased" to torture blue-ball bob. tara was now sitting in bob's lap in the chair between me and louis.
tara (to me): "she does make a lot of money."
me: "yeah. cause she's naked."
tara: "what we do is a lot of work."
me: "i know. giving men erections is difficult. my pleated pants do it to me everyday."
tara (motioning to molly on stage): "so you think you could do better?"

what happened next was more a product of the jager from earlier, the 4 beers from recently and the flask of bourbon i had downed the last time i went to the restroom than it was me being a jackass--i meant it to be funny. there was a wall five feet behind us and our chairs had wheels on them. so i jumped up, slid louis -- chair and all--against the mirrored wall, straddled his legs (i backed dat ass up) and started giving him a lap dance. i wish i would have paid attention to the rest of the place -- i am sure everyone stopped and gawked -- but i had my eyes closed because i was laughing so hard. the next thing i knew, tara had tried to get in my face--which was bobbing up and down--and since she was topless i got poked by her right nipple on my left cheek. i opened my eyes to a close up of her boobs, thus her name...

tara: "you fucking asshole!!!"
louis (digging through his wallet): "aww man, i'm out of ones!!!!"
me (to louis): "it's okay -- this one's on the house."
incredible hulk (who had appeared out of nowhere--i have suspicions he was watching me): "what's going on?"
tara (to the hulk): "this guy is being an asshole."
louis (to the hulk): "no, i'm not. i'm gonna tip him. can you change a twenty?"
incredible hulk (to me): "what's the problem?"
me (to tara while still gyrating on louis): "must be nice to have a job where you get a week off every month."
incredible hulk: "that's enough--let's go buddy."