Thursday, March 4, 2010

one true love

you are evil.

but, despite the hangovers, despite the bad dancing, despite the drunk-dialing of ex-girlfriends, i still come back. i am no different from one of those big-banged women on cops who wears cut off jeans, a dale jr. shirt, no shoes and no bra. no matter how much you mistreat me, i keep coming back to the double-wide for another dose of your love. i can't quit you.

i dont know why i need you. You are not nice to me. the headaches. the blurred vision. the inability to eat anything other than saltines. the lunch-time naps in my car.

but maybe you are not that bad. you do liven up the party. you help ugly guys and girls get laid. and there is no feeling quite like that first sip after a long day's work. okay, okay, Ill say it. i l ... i lo... i love you. there. i said it. are you happy now?

what is the attraction of beer? i don't think its the company of others. i love my friends, but me and beer are like peas and carrots. i am not usually one to drink by myself, but when i do, i get along just fine with beer. we dont talk. sometimes it is nice to have some silence while you are watching a baseball game on tv.

some will say i'm addicted. but beer is not an addiction. ("cocaine -- there's an addiction. i used to suck dick for cocaine.") i quit beer once for six months. no beer--i could do it again. ironically for the six months before my twenty-first birthday. But it was not good. i was an asshole to my friends. i was a recluse. i was ... sober. that's not me. i love beer. i may go away but i will always come back.

...fade in to a small, dirty-dish filled kitchen in a low-rent apartment. i am there with a 5'6" tall, buxom miller lite bottle with long, blonde hair...

miller lite (the voice of scarlett o'hara from "gone with the wind"): [pleads with me as i am about to leave for a martini bar]: oh, adam! please, don't go! you can't leave me! please! i'll never forgive you!

me (voice of rhett butler): i'm not asking you to forgive me. i'll never understand or forgive myself. i am asking you to get back in the fridge so i don't look like a lunatic standing in the kitchen talking to a huge beer bottle. and if liver cirrhosis gets me, so help me, i'll laugh at myself for being an idiot. there's one thing i do know... and that is that i love you, miller lite. in spite of you and me and the fact that you make me sing karaoke songs, i love you. because we need each other. you need to be drank and i need to be drunk. bad lots, both of us. you use me and i rent you. i am leaving you now, but i will be back for you later. i have to go meet my buddies at the martini bar. [i grab her]

miller lite: [struggles] don't hold me like that!

me: [i hold her tighter] miller lite! look at me! i've loved you more than i've ever loved any martini and i've waited for you longer than i've ever waited for any yager-bomb.

[i take a cool sip]

miller lite: [turns her mouth away] let me alone!

me: [i force her to look at me -- i am staring right at her long-neck] here's a beer drinker from the south who loves to drink you, miller lite. wants to feel your cool bottle in his hand, wants to sneak you and five of your friends into this bar with him. but he can't because it's a yuppie place that doesn't allow beer. never mind about loving me, you're a beer sending a beer drinker off to a martini bar with a beautiful memory to hold him over till he gets back. but I will be back, miller lite, so help me god! and i will drink you then the way you should be drank ... slowly, and with a bowl full of pretzels. but before i go, let me drink you! just one sip ... just one...

[i take a long lasting sip]