you are evil.
but, despite the hangovers, despite the bad dancing, despite the drunk-dialing of ex-girlfriends, i still come back. i am no different from one of those big-banged women on cops who wears cut off jeans, a dale jr. shirt, no shoes and no bra. no matter how much you mistreat me, i keep coming back to the double-wide for another dose of your love. i can't quit you.
i dont know why i need you. You are not nice to me. the headaches. the blurred vision. the inability to eat anything other than saltines. the lunch-time naps in my car.
but maybe you are not that bad. you do liven up the party. you help ugly guys and girls get laid. and there is no feeling quite like that first sip after a long day's work. okay, okay, Ill say it. i l ... i lo... i love you. there. i said it. are you happy now?
what is the attraction of beer? i don't think its the company of others. i love my friends, but me and beer are like peas and carrots. i am not usually one to drink by myself, but when i do, i get along just fine with beer. we dont talk. sometimes it is nice to have some silence while you are watching a baseball game on tv.
some will say i'm addicted. but beer is not an addiction. ("cocaine -- there's an addiction. i used to suck dick for cocaine.") i quit beer once for six months. no beer--i could do it again. ironically for the six months before my twenty-first birthday. But it was not good. i was an asshole to my friends. i was a recluse. i was ... sober. that's not me. i love beer. i may go away but i will always come back.
...fade in to a small, dirty-dish filled kitchen in a low-rent apartment. i am there with a 5'6" tall, buxom miller lite bottle with long, blonde hair...
miller lite (the voice of scarlett o'hara from "gone with the wind"): [pleads with me as i am about to leave for a martini bar]: oh, adam! please, don't go! you can't leave me! please! i'll never forgive you!
me (voice of rhett butler): i'm not asking you to forgive me. i'll never understand or forgive myself. i am asking you to get back in the fridge so i don't look like a lunatic standing in the kitchen talking to a huge beer bottle. and if liver cirrhosis gets me, so help me, i'll laugh at myself for being an idiot. there's one thing i do know... and that is that i love you, miller lite. in spite of you and me and the fact that you make me sing karaoke songs, i love you. because we need each other. you need to be drank and i need to be drunk. bad lots, both of us. you use me and i rent you. i am leaving you now, but i will be back for you later. i have to go meet my buddies at the martini bar. [i grab her]
miller lite: [struggles] don't hold me like that!
me: [i hold her tighter] miller lite! look at me! i've loved you more than i've ever loved any martini and i've waited for you longer than i've ever waited for any yager-bomb.
[i take a cool sip]
miller lite: [turns her mouth away] let me alone!
me: [i force her to look at me -- i am staring right at her long-neck] here's a beer drinker from the south who loves to drink you, miller lite. wants to feel your cool bottle in his hand, wants to sneak you and five of your friends into this bar with him. but he can't because it's a yuppie place that doesn't allow beer. never mind about loving me, you're a beer sending a beer drinker off to a martini bar with a beautiful memory to hold him over till he gets back. but I will be back, miller lite, so help me god! and i will drink you then the way you should be drank ... slowly, and with a bowl full of pretzels. but before i go, let me drink you! just one sip ... just one...
[i take a long lasting sip]
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
two things i can't take back
molly mounds at the hustler club...
there were seven of us in new orleans for a bachelor party trying to get the bachelor drunk enough to pass out so we could shave one of his eyebrows. after a day of jager shots at razoos, we showered up and headed to the hustler club. we all chipped in and bought the bachelor, let's call him bob, a lapdance under the stipulation that he had to receive it while he sat in a chair that we had pulled into the middle of our circle. as we watched this girl dry-humping bob, another buxom young lady sauntered up and sat in the empty seat between me and my friend louis, which had been occupied by bob before he went to do his bachelor-duties. it soon became apparent that louis and i thought she was as beautiful as she thought we were stupid...
louis (smiling): "so, you a college student?"
molly: "yes, at lsu."
me: "you commute to work an hour and a half each day?"
molly (already defensive): "i make more money in a week than you make in a month."
louis (smiling): "what's your major?"
molly: "petroleum engineering."
me:"just because you know more uses for k-y jelly than we do does not make you a petroleum engineer."
tara tahtahs two minutes later...
somehow louis and i avoided expulsion from the gentleman's club because molly got called on stage the second after she yelled at the bouncer (who was a dead ringer for a black version of the incredible hulk) and he could not hear her complaints about us over "pour some sugar on me." her problem. she should have picked beethoven. louis shared my comment about molly's love for oil based lubricants with the other guys--this was overheard by the dancer who had been "purchased" to torture blue-ball bob. tara was now sitting in bob's lap in the chair between me and louis.
tara (to me): "she does make a lot of money."
me: "yeah. cause she's naked."
tara: "what we do is a lot of work."
me: "i know. giving men erections is difficult. my pleated pants do it to me everyday."
tara (motioning to molly on stage): "so you think you could do better?"
what happened next was more a product of the jager from earlier, the 4 beers from recently and the flask of bourbon i had downed the last time i went to the restroom than it was me being a jackass--i meant it to be funny. there was a wall five feet behind us and our chairs had wheels on them. so i jumped up, slid louis -- chair and all--against the mirrored wall, straddled his legs (i backed dat ass up) and started giving him a lap dance. i wish i would have paid attention to the rest of the place -- i am sure everyone stopped and gawked -- but i had my eyes closed because i was laughing so hard. the next thing i knew, tara had tried to get in my face--which was bobbing up and down--and since she was topless i got poked by her right nipple on my left cheek. i opened my eyes to a close up of her boobs, thus her name...
tara: "you fucking asshole!!!"
louis (digging through his wallet): "aww man, i'm out of ones!!!!"
me (to louis): "it's okay -- this one's on the house."
incredible hulk (who had appeared out of nowhere--i have suspicions he was watching me): "what's going on?"
tara (to the hulk): "this guy is being an asshole."
louis (to the hulk): "no, i'm not. i'm gonna tip him. can you change a twenty?"
incredible hulk (to me): "what's the problem?"
me (to tara while still gyrating on louis): "must be nice to have a job where you get a week off every month."
incredible hulk: "that's enough--let's go buddy."
there were seven of us in new orleans for a bachelor party trying to get the bachelor drunk enough to pass out so we could shave one of his eyebrows. after a day of jager shots at razoos, we showered up and headed to the hustler club. we all chipped in and bought the bachelor, let's call him bob, a lapdance under the stipulation that he had to receive it while he sat in a chair that we had pulled into the middle of our circle. as we watched this girl dry-humping bob, another buxom young lady sauntered up and sat in the empty seat between me and my friend louis, which had been occupied by bob before he went to do his bachelor-duties. it soon became apparent that louis and i thought she was as beautiful as she thought we were stupid...
louis (smiling): "so, you a college student?"
molly: "yes, at lsu."
me: "you commute to work an hour and a half each day?"
molly (already defensive): "i make more money in a week than you make in a month."
louis (smiling): "what's your major?"
molly: "petroleum engineering."
me:"just because you know more uses for k-y jelly than we do does not make you a petroleum engineer."
tara tahtahs two minutes later...
somehow louis and i avoided expulsion from the gentleman's club because molly got called on stage the second after she yelled at the bouncer (who was a dead ringer for a black version of the incredible hulk) and he could not hear her complaints about us over "pour some sugar on me." her problem. she should have picked beethoven. louis shared my comment about molly's love for oil based lubricants with the other guys--this was overheard by the dancer who had been "purchased" to torture blue-ball bob. tara was now sitting in bob's lap in the chair between me and louis.
tara (to me): "she does make a lot of money."
me: "yeah. cause she's naked."
tara: "what we do is a lot of work."
me: "i know. giving men erections is difficult. my pleated pants do it to me everyday."
tara (motioning to molly on stage): "so you think you could do better?"
what happened next was more a product of the jager from earlier, the 4 beers from recently and the flask of bourbon i had downed the last time i went to the restroom than it was me being a jackass--i meant it to be funny. there was a wall five feet behind us and our chairs had wheels on them. so i jumped up, slid louis -- chair and all--against the mirrored wall, straddled his legs (i backed dat ass up) and started giving him a lap dance. i wish i would have paid attention to the rest of the place -- i am sure everyone stopped and gawked -- but i had my eyes closed because i was laughing so hard. the next thing i knew, tara had tried to get in my face--which was bobbing up and down--and since she was topless i got poked by her right nipple on my left cheek. i opened my eyes to a close up of her boobs, thus her name...
tara: "you fucking asshole!!!"
louis (digging through his wallet): "aww man, i'm out of ones!!!!"
me (to louis): "it's okay -- this one's on the house."
incredible hulk (who had appeared out of nowhere--i have suspicions he was watching me): "what's going on?"
tara (to the hulk): "this guy is being an asshole."
louis (to the hulk): "no, i'm not. i'm gonna tip him. can you change a twenty?"
incredible hulk (to me): "what's the problem?"
me (to tara while still gyrating on louis): "must be nice to have a job where you get a week off every month."
incredible hulk: "that's enough--let's go buddy."
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